I’m not sure when or why I should post this but I fell that I needed to sometime in my blogger days.
I’m going to let you on few deep dark secrets of my life about my relationship with my dad.
As a little girl my dad and I got along quite well. I can’t recall the exact moment when we drew the line in the sand.
My dad would give me awful beating although not many of them. I recall hitting the walls and sliding across the floor.
And my mom just real didn’t do much. opinion time…I think the reason she never did any thing because she liked my dad income but maybe there other reasons that I just don’t see and at this time I have no desire to figure it out.
My dad sure wasn’t a health nut he drank like a fish a 5th of booze a day and smoke like chimney and my mom couldn't leave a very sick man and was worried what one may think of her. Some may ask if his drinking like that would make him become abusive or not actual he was a friendly drinker it was actual when he wasn’t drinking and was hung-over.
He had major health problems do to his health choices.
Sure the physical pain did damage to me but the real damage was the on going verbal abuse.
All the time he would criticize me over and over for the same ole thing. But if I did something right he would briefly give me praise and soon be back criticize me for any mistakes I have done in the pass.
He would run me down to other people and these people now I have a decent relationship with. I never once built my relationship of running down my dad to these people.
As a teenager I thought I had no self worth. So I did my share of drugs and was quite sexual active with quite a few males and ended up pregnant and ended up having an abortion because at that time the relationship with my dad it would give him something more to criticize me for.
I was so angry with my self as a teenager and had problem with the law and school. Oh never did any felonies it was for running away from my parents.
I ended up in years of counseling and went a live in a behavior school for trouble teens and that help me the most I was taught that we all have self worth.
My dad died when I was 17 and I recall going to his funeral and he was laying in his casket and I was thinking to my self I felt relieve that I wouldn’t have to be criticize for over and over for any mistakes did mater how big or small they may be.
Confession time…At time I would wonder but not often if he and I would get a long now
I’m clueless how long this blog will be going on. I keep thinking of making two copies and butting it in a three ring binder and giving it two my boys once But I’m planning to live quite a few years so I can enjoy my grandkids of future.
So this blog should be quite a few volumes.
Yes, my dad have some quite a few good traits about him and will be posted in this blog but not sure when
Having grown up with a dad that was so caring and loving, I feel so sorry that you didn't have the same kind of dad...it's awful what drinking will do to a person and how it can change their personalities. He was so very wrong in treating you the way he did...the verbal abuse alone would be devastating. Sounds like he had some demons to fight and was taking it out on you. I can see why it would be so hard to forgive him but that's something only you can do. xox
ReplyDeletePrint all your blog posts out. It's your journal, after all.
ReplyDeleteMy Dad was very abusive when I was growing up. It wasn't until after he gave his life to Jesus that our relationship completely changed. One thing I did was make the choice to forgive. I had to do it for me, so I could become emotionally healthy. That released God's hands to work in him. Even though your father has died you need to forgive and forgive and forgive. It is a process. No one deserves to be treated harshly by anyone, ever. I am so thankful for a wonderful Heavenly Father who loves his children and only wants the best for them. God Bless You!
ReplyDeleteMy dad was an alcoholic too although he reformed in his later life. He didn't hit us but he did hit my mum.. no-one deserves to be hit, ever. Keep working through your feelings and thoughts by journalling or blogging.. sometimes it helps to get it out in writing.
ReplyDeletekeep blogging as long as you enjoy it!
I'm sorry you suffered all of that abuse. And I'm doubly sorry your mom wasn't able to protect you. It sucks. You have to print it out. Or even keep copies on CD to be printed in the future. Anything. It's important.
ReplyDelete